Grumpy Pants and Movie Cliches

Had a really terrible day. Haven’t been getting enough sleep and going out everyday grumped me out. You meet up and spend time with the same freaking  bunch every f**ked  up day and there’s nothing interesting to talk about. No intellectual intercourse whatsoever!! In short — NAKAKABOBO! Anyway, talking about movie cliches might get me out of the doldrums. Annoi’s gonna have a kick out of this!!

  • Can’t get into the house? Don’t worry! There’s always the spare key under the welcome mat.
  • The villain will almost always kidnap the hero’s woman in an atempt to destroy the hero’s heart and spirit, but instead it gives him the will to go on and ends up being the villain’s downfall, or the woman he kidnaps will end up defeating him.
  • When a kid’s dog runs away, it’s usually been picked up by a mean bad guy. At the end of the movie, there will be a contest between the kid and the mean bad guy to see who gets to keep the dog. The dog is put in the middle of the two characters and they both have to call it at the same time. The one who the dog runs to gets to keep it. The dog will always start to go to the bad guy, but at the last second will go to the kid.
  • Any kind of music in a club, at a dance, etc, always has a backbeat but no words.
  • Guns are always conveniently loaded with no more, and no less bullets than needed.
  • Vegetables are always being chopped in the kitchen, but no one ever has the time to eat dinner.
  • Makeup in movies is mixed with a secret sticking solution, so it is incapable of becoming smudged or being rubbed off unless streaming mascara is needed for dramatic impact.
  • Black leather clothing is necessary to wield high-powered automatic weapons.
  • In action movies, there is always someone whose last words are, "Oh sh*t."
  • To be included in the geek clique, you must first have about 10 grand worth of orthodontia in your mouth.
  • Even nerds don’t have zits.
  • A huge wave of water or large ball of fire will always back up to give time for any important characters to run away. This usually happens when thecamera angle changes. Disasters that should take 5 seconds can easily take as long as necesary for characters to reach safety. These things usually never effect the hiding spot.
  • If a man hits the heroine, she will do nothing for the present but will return near the end to give him a good whack. However, a heroine will never hit the hero back.
  • Teenage girls only own pretty, lacy, undergarments, and they always have matching sets of bras and panties.
  • Villains will always explain their plan, in its entirety, to the hero before leaving him in an easily escapable situation with an incredibly incompetent guard, or no guard at all.
  • In movies and television, Crime Scene Investigators don’t just do the forensics, they question suspects and solve entire crimes FOR the DA.
  • Talking to someone in a coma will bring them out if it.
  • When the hero is taking on a barrage of the villian’s henchmen, they will attack him one at a time.
  • While 2 people are talking on the phone, and one hangs up on the other, the person who got hung up on will hear a dial tone.
  • A villain can hotwire any car in a matter of seconds.
  • Nightmares always end with a scream.
  • All archers never run out of arrows.
  • Scenes taking place at an asylum have crazy people wandering around unsupervised, while some nurse is pushing a catatonic in a wheelchair.
  • The man, when breaking up with a woman, will always try to tell her that it’s not her, it’s him. However, the woman has already seen every single movie like this one and will be aware of this cliché, so she replies with something like “don’t give me that”.
  • While crossing wobbly old rope bridges, the hero will always state “don’t look down.” Then the female will say, “too late,” prompting the wooden board she next steps on to break and she falls through, and is left dangling high above a river that’s always full of hungry, man-eating crocodiles.
  • Millions of deaths each year are preventable, but alas, the one person who can save them has their music up so high that it drowns out all top-of-lung, bloodcurdling screams for help.
  • An alcoholic can always chug down a gallon of whisky without vomiting, getting really drunk, or burning their throat. He’ll chug it down, wince, and go “Aahhh!”

GRRRR… I’m still in such a foul mood. 

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2 thoughts on “Grumpy Pants and Movie Cliches

  1. haay…abbey…abbey. i’m posting this comment for two (2) reasons: 1) i was specially mentioned in this post. 2) i want to tell you about a ‘more terrible’ day.

    you know how people are when they watch cheezy romantic movies? the kind where we shout in the middle or at the end of the flick that ‘shit like true love or destiny doesn’t happen; or, as simply put by DIANE FEENEY :PAKSHET KA! JOHN LLOYD, HINDI TOTOO ANG TRUE LOVE!!! Well, i had a crash course on fate that ‘fateful’ day, may 3, 2005.

    After 3 months of not seeing the ‘minor’ a.k.a my x bf…(not that he’s really a minor, we just love to call him that…)…anyway, my x bf and i, well, we accidentally saw each other. he was standing in front of the mini mall, the one near 711 sa morayta. he was waiting for someone, a guy friend. while i, i was on a jeep—sa pwetan, galing ako sm manila.tapos, nagkatinginan kame. or, as the romantics put it, ‘nagtama’ ang aming mga mata..hehe…for 10secs, w/c i later called ‘moment of recognition.’ i wanted to turn my eyes away but he waived for me to get off. and so i did (stupid rascal!) and so, there we were. we smiled and hugged each other. kamustahan, ganyan…tapos nakitxt sya. tapos he told me that he was meeting his friend, a guy friend…tapos yun, nagkita na sila. then he told me, as in ito ang exact words: SANDALI LANG AKO. MAUNA KA NA SA DORM NYO.PPUNTAHAN KITA. and so, being the country girl that i am, i believed him, i went home, and waited. for three fuckin and freakin hours.

    he never came.

    hindi rin nagsabi na dna tutuloy smin. so after my nightly rituals, i smoked another pack, and i ‘reflected’ on what just happened. and i came to several conclusions. 1) baka nakitx lang ang ulol. 2)he never really meant what he said na ppunta sya. 3) he got me again. 4) nabuhay ang pag-ibig, galit at poot (but really, more on poot.) 5) where does he get off treating me like that? 6) at ito ang may kinalaman sa post mo, our friendly neighbor who we all love to call, FATE. (often used as movie themes)

    Fate played a joke on me, really. c’mon, i saw him, in my turf! my turf! sana nag-intay na lang sya kung san! then i thot, maybe if I smoked more yosi, d kame nag-abot. at ito pa, here is the cherry on the sundae, this happened on tuesday, may 3, 2005. when i checked my fone, it was the same date where we saw each other for the first time (may, 3, 2004.) FUCKIN FREAKY right?

    so i came to my final conclusion.

    ‘the romantic destiny shit that happens on tv and in movies, the wild cliches? yup, it happens in real life.’ but the thing is, kahit nangyayari mga yun, the after moments, you know, after magfall ang mga falling stars, etc.etc.. or mangayri ang isang romantic or destiny shit, yun yung mga moments na kelangan hanapin. para saan pa at lumuhod ang mga tala diba? haha

    anyway, haba na nito. hindi terrible ang araw mo. yun lang. haha. smile 🙂

  2. annoi!! You never cease to amaze me — the cynic that you are. Romance doesn’t really work for us and the most that fate does for is the cruel kind for a cold dose of crass reality. Ang bago nating motto — PAKSHET!! To hell with love.

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