a failed attempt at being crabwise

I am naive and extremely hell-bent on a fairytale ending. Too bad
"hell-bent" doesn’t cut it. I also want a fairytale wedding. But like
what I’ve said before, it’s not in my stars.

 

I have fallen in love with a person I can never ever have. It’s a
heart-wrenching, tear-jerking kind of sad, but it’s true. Maybe I have been
irreparably damaged to the point that I am now sadistically twisted. I have
always known I can’t have him, he belongs to someone else. Five other people in
fact. But of course, being the person that I am, I still pursued a relationship
with him. Maybe it was the tequila, or the thrill or the loneliness, whichever,
it’s all so vague now. What I do know is that, the "deed" sealed my
fate, and I was stuck. Sucked in knee-deep of quagmire, and the more I
struggled, the deeper I slid. So I just stopped. Just stood my ground.

 

He is the personification of all my nightmares. Not scary-demonic or
anything paranormal or disastrous, but rather that he signifies, and is,
everything against my so-called-fairytale-creed. He has no augur for a
fairytale wedding, much less a fairytale ending.

 

He says he loves me much. That, I am not so sure. Yes, he goes out of his
way to spend time with me, he takes me on out of town trips, and he stretches
his patience for me. He calls me vicious and he thinks I sleep around. I think he does too. Our
relationship is full of distrust and insecurity; it has the innate ability to
self destruct. It’s surprising we lasted this long. He says I am always sad;
that I take some form of happiness from the pain of being with him, or is
it that pain from cyclic break-ups and getting back together again.

 

He’s right. But I’m not sadistic. I don’t take joy in feeling pain. It’s
that I am happy being with him even if it is so damned painful. I am not
expecting you to understand, but I am going to try to explain in the best way I
can. I’m happy that I get to spend time with him, and hear him say that he
loves me, even though I know I only have him for the time being.

 

I’m ok with just having him not even half the time, or even if he can’t be
there for me when I need him to, or that he can’t take care of me when I am
sick because he has other things to attend to or important people to be with;
or even if in his life, I am the most disposable; or that he doesn’t care
enough to fight for me.

 

So what if he lies, or breaks his promises, or keeps on letting me down.
It doesn’t even matter that he doesn’t appreciate the things I do for the people he loves. I’m ok with that, and in a twisted way I am happy because him and I are
"together". I love him so much.

 

This is what I told Lai: "Sure, I deserve someone better, but I have
stopped looking. I don’t need to look around anymore, to shop for a guy, because I know that he is the one.
It’s such a cliché, but I know that he is the only one who fills the void; the
only one who fills in where I lack; the only one who completes me. Even if we
don’t end up together, he will forever be my one true love."

 

It’s pathetic, I know, to be inflicting so much pain to myself. Yes, I am
stupid, and I am a fool for the guy and for love, especially when there is someone
better and who loves me so much more than he does; but my guy and I might have
a chance, and if in the end we don’t make it, it would feel so good when I
finally stop.

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2 thoughts on “a failed attempt at being crabwise

  1. Abbey, i particularly like the part where you say “I don’t take joy in feeling pain. It’s that I am happy being with him even if it is so damned painful.” I definitely understand, because I’ve gone through it, and am still going through it. My relationship with Toto isn’t perfect, there are glitches that we might not be able to fix, but the best part of it is, we go through it together. And despite the hitches, we find time to stop and smell the flowers.. Just like you do 🙂 Miss you, ma!

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