I wish I knew how to quit you

They say that it ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings. But who is the fat lady? Manang siopao who sells dimsum in the school canteen? I’ve never heard her sing. Or my tita monchang? I’ve never heard her sing either.

I’ve done a terrible thing. I have broken up with my one true love. I pushed him away, and now he doesn’t want me back. Classic. The story of my forlorn lovelife.

It was my fault. I’d apologize a million times if I could and I’d turn back the time if it were possible. I need anothr chance, but I don’t think that he can find it in his heart to give in.

I’ve realized that I can’t imagine life without him, but I have to move on. He doesn’t even want to see me again for closure. So I guess this is closure for me.

After all the stops and starts. It has finally ended. I’m confused. I still can’t believe that it’s all over. One lousy phone call and that  was it. Everything crumbled.

Nothing else had to be said other than "OK na. Ayoko na rin." My fate was seald and the die was cast.

No sorries. No goodbyes. There was a beep and the line went dead. My tears ran down my face for two whole days and one whole night. My eyes are still red and swollen. I cried while i studied, I cried while I ate, must’ve cried in my sleep too. I dreamt about him and he was with someone else and he was happy. I wasn’t. Still am not.

What hurt me most was that, no goodbye was said. He just dropped the line and never took my calls again.

All the laughs, the fun times, the plans, the kilig moments, it all doesn’t matter anymore. All I have now is the pain. After all the hell I went through trying to stick it out, this must be what is meant to be.

An apology: I’m sorry. I’d say sorry a million times if I could, if I knew that it would bring you back tome. I’m sorry kase pinatulan kita on yuor birthday. That was your special day. One of the two days of the year na di kita dapat awayin or bigyan ng sakit ng ulo. What I did was unforgiveable. I can understand why you don’t want to talk to me. After all that you did for me. I was selfish and I was a fool. I’m sory. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Love you much still. You’re right, it’s not working out. It doesn’t matter how much we love each other. Love doesn’t always cut it. Take Care. I’m sorry.

This is me accepting defeat. This closure will have to do. No goodbye has to be said because we never said hello when we first met.

______________________________________________________________________________________

This is me, trying to psych myself up.

"I’m having a really rough day. Class is over and I don’t know what to do. I have a thing to attend with a guy friend but it isn’t until 9pm.

<Sigh>

Get a grip abbey!! Move on.. Don’t think about it already. It’s hard. Like hell it is. Hurts as much too. What else can you do? You’ve given it your best. You’ve got midterms to think off. Bandonell’s tax exam won’t be easy. You have to focus on that!!

Aaargghh. Crap! Of all the days that I could have felt lousy, why did it have to be his birthday??? I never learn!! Why? WHY? WHY??

*deep breath*

I should compose myself. I shouldn’t be this affected. Ang daming iba jan.

But then it’s not him. It wouldn’t be the same. I wouldn’t feel the way I felt for him.

*another deeeeep breath*

I should be happy. I should stop this apocalyptic outlook. Kung kaya nya ko tiisin, sha din kaya ko. It’s ok to lose him. May dadating pang iba. Someone who’ll love me the way I’d want to be loved. Someone I don’t have to share. It’s not the end of the world. Need to get off my ass, get in my car, go home get dressed and go out with that guy I kinda like who’s been crushing on me forever.

The worst is over. I’ve survived the first night. Everything after this’ll be peanuts."

I think I’ve gone mental. Do crazy people think they’re crazy? Maybe I’m not. Not yet anyway. I need drugs — anti depressants. Will go to the drugstore now and get some.

Dammit!! I hate my life.

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