i’m not stupid…

… but sometimes I wish I were. A friend of mine told me that Capricorns are lousy lovers, but very dependable. I need someone who loves me back, not someone I can depend on to clean up after me. Maybe he meant "dependable" in the sense that I can depend on him to love me back. I doubt it. My friend was probably sloshed when he said that.

            "Girlfriend". Behind the bland title lies emos that even the most evocative tongue cannot even articulate. Initially into a relationship, a girl is ecstatic at having coveted the title, but no sooner had the honorific stuck does she find that the romance is gone. They have passed the "new relationship excitement phase" and the once wonderfully-happy turns into mucky-ugly. Loving the person makes it hard to see past the evil; but then again, sometimes, the devil can be a girl’s best friend. She’d bitch and bitch all day long, to the point of destroying whatever shard of trust the relationship is hanging on by.

            I’ll never find true love. Nothing sucks like being alone, no matter how many people are there. I have a disillusioned concocted concept of true love from watching too many Meg Ryan movies, and when I get hurt, it hurts really bad.

            So what do you do when your guy tells you that you have no future together and you’ve metastasized from being the love of his life to a burden? Asking the guy would be futile. It would go nowhere. The guy would volley the question to you and then it would be reduced a question mark in a field of question marks. When left to your own devices, you should be able to separate the rational from the irrational. Most of the time something that looks trivial, really is trivial. The boring little discrepancies can shake you to your core. Love and relationship is so cryptic and hopelessly obscure, you have to always be on your guard. After all, isn’t it just a game of who gets to break up with whom first. The formula is: Love wins, you cheer. Love fails, you still cheer (a sympathetic stab for all the "bitter ocampos" out there.) The title, whether "girlfriend", "boyfriend" or "partner" can be construed to be a guilty pleasure or a cry for help. I can never tell.

My wish is granted. I am stupid.


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