In anticipation of septemBAR

A few days short of my 28th birthday and all I have
to show for it are two gargantuan zits, bags under my eyes, a perpetual dazed
and confused look and a semi-catatonic brain. I try to at least get eight hours
of quality reading a day but I can’t seem to remember any of them.  I see text. Lots and lots of legal text
whenever I close my eyes long enough to make something out of the blackness.

Reviewing for the bar is no fun at all. Come to think of it,
it’s worse than engaging in a creepy love triangle with someone you know you’ll
never have. Craning my neck reading all those modules and voluminous texts doesn’t
even seem to make me any smarter. Ironically, it has made me even more stupid. I
can’t tell a date-date from a pseudo-date anymore. How obtuse! To cite: when a
guy says “it’s a date!”, is it a date-date, or a
date-we-have-an-appointment-so-you-better-not-just-be-penciling-me-in-date? That
never used to be an issue.

Moreover,  this is how
a typical catch-up text conversation with me goes:

Lai: Hey ma! Musta review? ϋ

B: ok lang. ata.. 1 month nako sa remedial. ϋ

Lai: Kaya mo yan!ϋ

 

Di: Mare, musta review? ϋ

B: usad pagong. Babalikan ko nalang kaya ung provisional remedies.
ϋ

Di: Kaya mo yan!ϋ

 

Nef: Musta aral? ϋ

B: ayos. Gusto ko mag DVD marathon. ϋ

Nef: Kaya mo yan!ϋ

 

Jr: dude! Musta review?

B: Remedial padin.ϋ

Jr: Ano ang opposite ng ratio decidendi?ϋ

B: *expletive deleted* tinext mo ko para jan? ö

Jr: oo. aral mabuti. Kaya mo yan!

See how banal it is? I try to break it by forwarding worthless
trivia and hackneyed jokes to my friends. Smart as they are, they rarely reply
back with something witty or equally titillating. You got to give it my mom.
She really did a bang-up job raising her only child. Yet another disappointment
to the already million or so I’ve accrued in my 28 years. I always thought that
after finishing law school, I’d be really smart and polished. Be able to say
something like “having the right should not be confused with the manner in
which that right is exercised”, and argue it so impeccably, it’ll send
grand-standing politicians to their knees. But No! Ever since reviewing for the
bar became default, I play “supermodel documentary hour” in my mind when spacing
off and saying things like “ayoko na mag-aral. Gusto kong magmahal” to bar
toppers. How unbelievably awkward.

Everything about this review is unbelievable:

1. 1. I
finally developed a conscience. I feel guilty when I don’t study.

2. 2. I
have started drinking brewed coffee from starbucks. Venti. Non-fat milk. 3
sugars.

3. 3. I
have started putting my ciggies in a tin canister. Disguise ba.

4. 4. I
don’t talk to myself anymore when driving. I just replay legal doctrines in my
mind. Mental gymnastics are important so my brain doesn’t atrophy.

5. 5. My
starbucks tumbler is now 3 months old. I haven’t lost it. The curse is broken.

6. 6. I
study everyday. I never used to do that in law school. I used to wing it.

7. 7. I
don’t grade guys with -(negative) mojo points anymore.

 8. My
rosary and I share a personal relationship.

 9. Nag
te text nako sa mga smart subscribers.

10. I
want one of those cutie teddy bears you fill with as much cotton as you want
for my birthday. Then I can dress it up with cute outfits, cute shoes, cute
ribbons, and talk to it instead of talking to myself.

I’m experiencing a lucid interval.

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