the white knight and the dark prince

lovehate

You know how everyone has an ex that won’t ever go away?? No matter how hard you try to shake them off, they’re there, peering over your shoulder, unknowingly, yet wittingly reeling you back in just when you thought you’re good. I hate it when that happens.

Lucky me, I have two, and everything is just eerily familiar.

The white knight is just that. He came into my life to save me from the dark prince. He had the kindest, noblest intentions and I screwed him over. He jilted my attempt at a sorry phone call, which I think is good, then he wouldn’t have the chance of seeing me while karma catches up on me. He was good for me and what we had was good thing. Except that we never fought. Not once. Which was what came to me as “what was wrong with the relationship”. It’s maddening that everyone in review asks me about him. I never really think about him. Just recently, when the dark prince reminded me that he existed and my personal demons rose again. Seriously, it’s karma catching up on me and I tried to ease my guilt with an attempt at a sorry phone call. He’s probably trying to avenge the death of his stupid self-esteem.

Now, the dark prince is the personification of everything I loathe and love in the world. He brings out the best and the worst in me. One of the reasons I’m not very fond of being in the Philippines is that here, almost everything reminds me of him, his family, or what we had together. There’s always a hark-back of everything I took for granted, gone in a New York minute. He used to hate me like crazy and then he did a 360. I’m confused. I keep on giving myself mental slaps when I’d try to figure out why. It only means one thing: it is his form of cold cruel revenge. Why else would he add me in facebook but to rub it in my face that he’s ridiculously happy with whomever he’s with, getting everything he wants, living in a goddamned palace where everyone lives to serve him and I’m just a miserable brat with my fake coping monologues? I’d like to think he’s coming from a good and helpful place trying to reach out to me, just not a good and helpful place for me. What else could he want?? He’s already won–EVERYTHING!!

I hate suffering like this. I hate having them both on my map. I wish I could fast forward to the part where I’m okay again or rewind back to part where I didn’t have to take one for the team.

I want to be okay, again. *curses*

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